So, it’s been 6 months in Brooklyn…

and I have ALL the nerve to have not written here in months! There’s been a lot going on in my consistently strange life recently, most notably the ups & downs & WTFs of becoming a New Yorker. This is the type of life change that seems impossible to write about properly, and honestly I’ve been looking for a framework of some type to try and make sense of… whatever it is that’s been going on here. And then! She’s Gotta Have It dropped a few days ago while I was home for the holiday and, foreshadowing that this contemporary version was going to be hella symbolic to me, I decided to wait until I returned to the #BrooklynBoudoir to watch. I had first been introduced to Miss Nola Darling while reading Demetria Lucas’s “A Belle In Brooklyn” in undergrad, and in a lot of ways, this book and Living Single episodes were my references to Single Black Female life in this particular NYC borough. I watched the original film a few weeks ago – also perched here in my apartment – and yea… there are definitely many things I relate to in these “coming of grown-azz-woman age” narratives.

• 

   

• 

   

• 

   

I guess all this left me with fairly glamorous impressions of SBF life in BK, although me actually moving here in real life was more of a happy accident than anything. I don’t remember making the decision to move here, but alas! Looking back now I can see that there was definitely a journey happening to get me to New York that I wasn’t completely conscious of, and now that I’m here, it’s clear that this is exactly where I’m meant to be at this moment. I just don’t really know why, though. But I’ll just go ahead and trust that all of that will reveal itself in time. I can’t think of anywhere else I’d rather be in this particular time in life and so… I guess we’ll see where this goes. Suddenly I’m a Brooklynite just like Maxine, Sinclair, Nola and them! I feel weird referring to myself as such, but I asked a few Brooklyn born-and-bred friends if I qualify as one and they said I can now! So just let me have this.

I enjoy this version of Nola’s story, although she’s kinda… “caricature-ish”. 2017 Nola is a bit tooo wishy-washy which I think is a disservice to creative women, single-and-dating women, and any woman who’s decided to live life on her own terms. But this doesn’t bother me, as it reflects the actual extreme caricature of my experience living here. At work, on my commute, when I’m out and about – Every. Single. Day feels like I’m on some reckless hidden-camera reality show. So, I identify with this cast of characters a lot, LOL. Anyway, here are some random thoughts that occurred to me during this weekend’s Netflix binge.

 

“I’m dealing with who I am now, at this moment in time and space, and I gotta look within to feel what makes me happy.” – Nola

Soooo obviously, the overarching theme of this show/film is dating, however, I saw much more than that at play here. Oh, you wanted to hear about my actual NYC dating life? I suppose we can get to that eventually *wink wink*. I definitely want to share some dating adventures here so that my friends can have a centralized place to laugh at my pain. But these dudes I meet act like they truly want women to write characters around them one day – which honestly isn’t farfetched considering that this is NYC. Idk… maybe some of y’all may get your wish.

However, one clear lesson for me has been that “Single” in NYC isn’t so much a relationship status, but more-so a lifestyle status. If you are single here, things are compleetteelyy different than any place I’ve been. Plopping myself here from the Midwest, where there’s clear patterns of how you should be advancing in life (You’re in your bout-to-be-almost-30s! Get a dope apartment, progress in your linear career path, get a huzzbind, buy a house, pop out some kids, etc, etc) has been… jarring. NONE OF THAT SHIT APPLIES HERE. After 6 years of feeling like I was generally Schoolin’ Life, thriving, traveling, but feeling like I wasn’t living up to my potential and that my geographic location was a limiting factor in this, some things feel… kinda regressive. After living on my own, I have a roommate again (although the dopest and most amazing roomie! And our apartment is gorgeous, so I count this as an ideal situation), basic tasks like laundry and groceries are taking me OUT, there are germs and trash everywhere and the damn A Train is never operating properly. I reminisce on the times I spent in my beautiful sleek silver chariot, Annalise the Audi! Ugh, NYC life is struggly AF. HELP ME.

Anyway, progress feels like a maze here, and so I’ve had to uhh, “adjust” some of my thresholds of success. I’m surprised to have become a person who outsources household tasks now, and I try find little creative ways to relieve the actual stresses of being completely independent in the city. I’ll keep it 1000 and tell you that this sh*t is actually for the birds. It recently occurred to me that I could just escape this by getting a man to pay 50-100% of this rent and take the trash downstairs for me (serious offers, inquire within).

 

“What if a woman did what a man does?”

But speaking of men.. there are so. Many. Men. They are everywhere, in every race, creed, color, socioeconomic status and profession… and they are ALL UP IN MY FACE. As a woman who’s lived in a couple places where I’ve had to wonder “where are all the men at?” I have finally found where all of them are… and I wish this was an exciting, positive thing. It is not. I am annoyed.

Episode 1 starts off with Nola describing NYC street harassment, and that exaggerated depiction is unfortunately sooo very accurate. I’ve become hyper-aware of where men are and how I navigate my life in relation to them. Any time I leave my house, here these male people are – gazing and inserting themselves in my path and generally interrupting my existence. It might not be as bad if I could assign this to a certain group, like say “bummy street dudes” or vagrants, but it’s actually all of them. It’s men in suits on the street, cab drivers, “regular” guys who really ought to know better, on-duty police officers who I knowww have some pressing business to be minding other than me. Because I no longer travel with the safety and privacy of a car it’s become painfully clear that Men, as a monolith, are Very Scary.

All of this has lead to a sense of feeling extremely unprotected. I vividly remember the relief I felt on the first weekends when Abi and #HomieLuvaFriend came to town and the joy I felt at finally being able to walk the streets in peace and without my silent headphones in. And for this I ask, what is actually wrong with y’all??! I feel constantly oppressed and it’s absolutely my least favorite thing about living here. It’s been further igniting my strong Feminist stances and I’m probably gonna start burning bras any day now. Watch.

I will confess that… sometimes the stuff catcallers say is actually kinda funny (y’all know I think everything is funny) and sometimes kind of sweet even. So it’s not truly all bad being complimented day-in and day-out. I’d still prefer to be left alone though.

 

“Lulu the Yoruba Priestess” + other forms of therapy

“Your name, it sounds familiar. What’s the origin?” I get questions like this kinda often and I love it! In addition to everyone here being Woke AF, I love that there’s an actual concentration of people who know and respect the nuances of African culture. My soul is sooo, so happy to finally be in such a culturally diverse place. Learning about culture through spirituality has also been a favorite pastime for some time so it’s cool to be able to wander into Botanicas, and other such cultural places occasionally. I love that there are so many African restaurants and shops, in Bed-Stuy/Bushwick, so I’m slowly making my rounds. We aren’t too far from some Latinx neighborhoods and so hopefully I’ll improve my Spanish soon too.

Currently I’m focused on improving my well-being, and there’s definitely a lot to experience in that realm as well. When I got here, I thought I’d just go ahead and eat ALL the Instagrammy food that I’ve been admiring from afar because hey! I walk instead of drive now. This was SO stupid. When my poor eating habits caught up with me after month 3 Abi suggested I try veganism… and it was actually kinda lit! So now I’m not buying meat products in the house, and trying to get back into yoga (I miss my dear Replenish Columbus sooo much!). It’s soo much easier to practice health + wellness here, although expensive. I’ll be dipping my toes deeper into random yoga styles, reiki, crystals, alladat in due time cuz you know I like to try random shit. So we’ll see how this goes! 

 

“Bianca in the Brownstone”: The G Word

…And the, uhh.. “less diverse” side of Brooklyn has been fascinating to observe up-close too. Gentrification and community development are definitely passion areas of mine so being in the heart of it all has me constantly feeling some kinda way. I feel a way about my landlord and the predatory ways of the group he belongs to (we’ve already experienced hella disrespect during the rental process), I feel a way about the stark differences in noticing who lives where, and I definitely feel a way about the truth that I myself am passively contributing to shifting demographics as well. Before living here was a thought, I read a piece about Black gentrifiers in Harlem that was pretty thought-provoking. Since I’m always traveling for work/tired I don’t feel like I’ve been a good community contributor so far, but I’m looking forward to getting more involved in something community related soon.

Bianca really pissed me off though!! Her portrayal in the show honestly really depicted the apathy and dismissiveness I see going on here. And you know what the worst thing about The Bianca’s are?? The way they come in and shamelessly, inconsiderately expect you to acquiesce. One day me and Mila were talking about how the Biancas will take up the entire sidewalk and just expect you to move… and then… a bunch strode up bulldozing past! Needless to say some people definitely caught elbows from us, smh. And then, they look at you in disbelief that you didn’t just quietly move… wow. Their behavior is alarming and really incendiary. But anyway, run up on me and I promise I’ll have a stiff elbow for you at the least.

 

“Plus I’m single, so I might as well ride the wave.” – Opal

So. I’ve made a conscious decision to not (actively) date while I settle in here, for a few reasons. 1st, I actually started been dating here when I used to just visit frequently, and now that I’m here I’ve been trying to evaluate if I actually want those guys in my life (it’s looking like a no from me, dawg). 2nd, I’ve been in this interesting long-distance courtship with Bae that I’m interested to see what what happens with. 3rd, I’m simply not a fan of the highly superficial way these NYC men go about things. It seems like guys go-to pickup behavior is to rattle off what kinda job/salary/resources they have to persuade you into talking with them. “I can get you backstage at Drake’s show!” “I’m the Executive Vice President of Apple!” “I need someone to go on exotic vacations with me every month!” And here I am, completely unmotivated by it all. Nooo one here seems to just be trying to get to know someone and become a meaningful part of someone’s life, it’s just eternal playtime. And on that, I will pass (for now). 4th… these dudes seem to be a lil too happy to have a fresh fish in the pond. New Girl Syndrome is really real so I’ll be waiting until these blokes calmeth le fck down.

What is interesting about Nola’s dating choice is that she needs 3 different men + 1 woman to play distinct roles in her life. Now while I endorse female sexual agency and empowerment, this is still a very odd choice. First of all, the logistics of dating more than one person are insane – I’ve tried it a couple times. The most recent time I was 23, fresh out of grad school, and mostly jobless which is why I even had time to entertain all those guys… and even then it was just surface-level dates and such. And you know what? I was TIRED, okay?? Episode 7 is titled #HowToMakeLoveToANegroWithoutGettingTired and I was weaakkk!! (I also need to read the book it’s referencing in case it has helpful references because these negroes are actually quite tiring.) So, the thought of a 27 y.o. choosing to split energies, especially sexual energy with all them people seems crazy.

BUT… conceptually, I overstand why she would need all of those people to feel fulfilled. Each and every NYC guy I’ve met definitely has something drastically wrong with him, lmao! Like, not so wrong that you can’t deal with him at all, but to the point where you’d would absolutely need someone else to fill that gap. Like there was the one who was sooo attractive, well-dressed and we had awesome chemistry! Until I found out he was technically homeless (living on a family member’s couch). Or the one I’d been seeing since last year who was so fun and a perfect gentleman and had a car (a characteristic NYC has propelled back to dating relevance) until I learned he had a uhh… “debilitating” uhh… issue he refused to manage properly (soo, so awkward omg). Anyway lemme stop before this becomes some kinda expose piece. The point is, I’m trying to hide from this 2017-2018 dating landscape. Just let me be.

“Don’t beat yourself up, Nola. You are a vibrant, black and beautiful, young female artist. You should be enjoying your life.” – Nola’s therapist

Overall, I’ve spent a lot of the last half year questioning everything, and realizing that I actually don’t have the answers… like none of them… at all. I feel really behind in life, and I know there are soooo many talents I’m not using. Already I’m over the job that got me here, which is disappointing because I definitely didn’t see that coming. But, I’m coming around to the idea that maybe the point was to just to get me here. I’m making a point to explore the Things I’ve Always Wanted to Do, and next week I even have an Interior Design gig booked! I’m looking forward to finding my stride, not being tired all the time, and building up my NYC tribe. I’m hoping that between constantly leaving the city for work/family/etc I’ll actually settle in a bit here. I want to return to my creative side that circumstance has caused a lot of distance from, I want to grow professionally in directions I didn’t feel like I could before, and I want to continue evolving into my fullest dopest self! I may not be here for a long time, but dammit! Imma need it to be a good ass time.

Drafting this feels like a good start! So I’ll try to write at least once a month and we can get it poppin’!! Here’s to surviving at least 6 more months in this damn jungle, LOL. Anyway, pray for me y’all.